There is no dim sum in Maui. Oh please, I love Dragon Dragon but I don’t count their five offerings off the menu–you need carts. So when I went home to Honolulu ( yes, I still call that home) I asked my good friend the PR Diva where I could get great dim sum? I expected the usual culprits…Happy Days Inn, Mei Sum, Golden..something (haha) however she named a restaurant near Chinatown that I had never heard of.  Wanting to get my dim sum fix, of course I asked her to take me.

I arrived early (before our meeting time of 1:30pm) and was happy to claim a table…little did I know. The carts were going around but I really wanted to wait for the PR Diva because this time, I was ready to break out of my comfort zone and try the dishes that she suggested. After she arrived the waitress came over and actually took our order, luckily PR Diva requested the dim sum by their Chinese names which gave it more clout. There was confusion with the carts coming around and us saying we ordered certain things that never came however I did adventure out and try the chicken feet. Yes CoCo ate chicken feet–well I tried to eat it and I did however it was a good try.

Well I don’t know what the protocol on how long the dim sum service is but after a while the carts stopped coming. Then someone took away the condiments and after we did get more dishes I asked for more  shoyu, mustard and hot sauce. The attendant brought three little dishes of each instead of bringing back the condiment tray.  Ok, I feel you I have been a server wanting to get rid of customers and trying to do all my side duties like replenishing condiment trays for  the next day…
We then noticed only one big party and us. So then we figured take the hint…the restaurant service was done…in the next 10 minutes, there were  two other tables of 10. So enthralled in conversation, we didn’t really care.  At this point we wanted dessert so we flagged down someone to order mini custard pies which I found out from PR Diva was called” dan tat”.

Well sister never came back–at this point we had been in deep conversation and then we looked around and saw that the woman we ordered from was sitting at that two other tables eating…yes the two other tables were all employees.

She never came back..it reminded me of a Seinfeld episode of the “Soup Nazi”  No soup for you! Ok.. No “Dan tat for CoCo.” Oh well…and the people in the white shirts are all the employees!

My friend recently got married…she’s 24.  It happened all of a sudden. She met a guy, they dated for five months, she moved in then six weeks later BOOM! They decided to get married, at first her family and friends were shocked, some questioning. some supportive.  I, of course was the latter.  If you know, you know!  What does Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) say? if you don’t know if you want to marry someone in the first couple months…you never will.  This made me question what I was doing with my unboyfriend. I mean, I didn’t even think of asking him to come with me to the wedding??? I guess I am really single.

Anyway, the  wedding reception was at their house and so I sat with another friend from work and her family.  Luckily there were no seating assignments or I might have found myself on the dreaded misfit’s “singles table.” Well, there were four other seats at our table then wouldn’t you know…four single guys sat down on the empty seats.  So the whole table started chit chatting and I shared that I had made some items on the buffet line–the mac & cheese, spinach rolls and corn bread.  Well, after we all got our plates one guy said that the mac & cheese was the best he ever had.  The other guy said that corn bread was his favorite, another took ten spinach rolls and the last one put his head down and devoured everything that I had made.  Wow, what a boost to my ego!

Our table was the most fun, the guys were attentive,my friend and her family knew them..great conversation–we all were having s a really good time.  Then the bewtiching  hour came–8:30pm and it was time for me and them to go home. Uh yeah, it seems really early for you all however it was a school night, literally.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the boys (literally) were age ranged five to eight years old. I guess they heard I date younger guys and I cook.  (did I mention I used to be an elementary school teacher?) Oh well that’s the story of my life. Hahahaha.

Ok so over the past months I have tweeted and posted about my “fake boyfriend” and  my “un-boyfriend.” Which brings me to really ask,” What the heck each term means?”  At first, I thought that the “Fake BF” was one that you didn’t want to acknowledge a relationship and your friends didn’t either. The “UB ( Un Boyfriend) was someone that you acknowledged you have a relationship with each other however not with anyone else. WRONG or maybe not, you can still help define it. I’m not sure that my being “Queen of the Gay Men” has an influence of these definitions. There are many more factors and labels that come into place. HELP!

Booty Call-Uh yeah, lets address this… you met one night–one person or both calls the other and you don’t know the person’s last name, occupation, birthday etc… just the phone number and of course, where one of you lives. AND of course, don’t let the door hit you on the way out no matter what time it is.

Elevated Booty Call- you know the general info about each other however you find yourself only meeting late nite in seedy bars pretending it’s dates and the door still hits you on the way out.

Dating- Can start as a booty call however, he actually takes you to dinner or lunch and there’s plans for another scheduled interlude that doesn’t happen after hours.  A friend of mine said that after 6 so many planned “dates” that not necessarily includes sex, a progression and “talk” should happen.

Fake Boyfriend- customarily a gay man going to dinner, drinks or any function that you may want an escort. I personally have had Fake BF status with heterosexual males, however I don’t really know at the time if they had an agenda.  The consensus is that straight men can’t be “just friends” with straight women.

UnBoyfriend-The guy that you are going out with and hasn’t met your friends…your friends tease you that it is a made up guy so they won’t try to set you up with the guy with the “great personality.”

Real Boyfriend-sorry gang, it’s been so long I can’t remember what that definition is.

So help me define all these terms…or do I need to change them, add some others?  HELP!

The other day  I got up and my eyes were literally glued together. I couldn’t understand why. I wasn’t sick, my eyes weren’t swollen, no pink eye.  ?????  When I got to work my co-workers were all talking about the vog and how bad it was. Sure enough I looked out toward Lana’i and the haze was so thick, Lana’i was only a slight outline in the distance. (Did I mention that my office is ocean front? well, I guess you get the picture you can turn green with envy later) Anyway I started to wonder if it was the vog that caused my sticky eyes?

Surfer Girl could feel an on coming migraine and two others were complaining about sinuses.  Could it be the dastardly vog? Come to think of it, Haole Girl gets an uncomfortable skin rash and another friend has been off from work for two months. I was curious, were there many researches done on the effects of vog? ? No. I went on line and zip, nada, well none that can definitely give a signed sealed delivered stamped finding.

Then it got me thinking…is vog the THE new excuse that may replace all time favorites like “My dog ate my homework?”

Hmm…So it got me thinking… if you’re late for work—Blame it on the Vog, you get pulled over for speeding, you ate the last piece of cake, you forgot to pay your phone bill, you missed your dentist appointment,  and of course you kissed THAT guy–by all means, Blame it on the Vog.

I clean my closet out at least twice a year.  I usually give it to the regulars, my Filipino mommy, Haole Girl, and CJ.  My Filipino mommy sends the clothes to her family in the Philippines and I often see my personal fashion show on Haole Girl and CJ.  I never really thought about what happens to the clothes if they don’t want it–until the other night.

The girls met at R&B Black Angus Steakhouse ,I mean come on…if you sit at the bar it’s 50% off pupu all night. As it was time to leave, one of my posse gave me a ride home and on the way she shared that she had clothes that she wanted to giveaway and asked if I wanted it. Ok, normally I would have jumped at the chance– the only thing stopping  me was the fact that we weren’t really the same size. Not that she was big…I mean she was just way taller than me.  Anyway I accepted her offerings with grace since she was so insistent and thought what the heck? I can give it away. Still the thought of new clothes piqued my curiosity  I couldn’t wait…so I greedily opened the Safeway bag and spilled the contents on the bed. The clothes were too big…

The next day my trusty gay entourage called me for “girl time.” The “girls” that I was going to meet were what I could call more voluptuous than me so of course…I brought the clothes.

The next day I got  a gushing post on Facebook from them saying how much they “luv, luv luv the clothes.”  Then it dawned on me–what if my friend was shopping in Safeway, innocently walking through the pasta aisle when low and behold she sees her  white halter with turquoise beading on my ‘tranny?” Honestly, she may be jaw dropping horrified for an instant( the image is cracking me up right now) however you really have no say in it… bottom line, you gave it away.

So the next time you clean out your closet, be ready for the homeless beer sluggin chick hanging out at 505 to be sporting one of your mini skirts…

I was so looking forward to the Universal Show Queen Pageant this year, being it was my only get together where all my OaHU’s were in one place at one time. Instead of going to a restaurant for dinner like last year, my OaHU’s all had rooms at the Ala Moana Hotel.

Pre Party

This year we got there early so we could be apart of all the mingling and pre-pageant festivities outside the ballroom of the Hawaii Convention Center.  There was so much to look at– I mean straight, gay, questionable, closet, in transition, confused, should be, and so much more. I also ran into an array of people–a former co-worker from the YMCA ( no–she was a straight female with her husband) some fellow Maui residents and even  a couple of  HU’s. To be honest, that might have been the most fun, coupled with the mingling at intermission. The biggest disappointment was our two tables were separated by a walkway in the middle of the ballroom–so all night the twenty of us played musical chairs so we could socialize and do our own commentary on the show. Overall it wasn’t as fun as last year.

Aiko and Yoshiko

Oh I forgot–I did have a highlight of the evening–my idol Yoshiko Oshiro a former Universal Show Queen made a guest appearance.  I’d like to say that I’ve modeled myself after “her.” Boy, is she still beautiful.  No pun intended. Would I have rather stayed and gone to the Kapalua Wine & Food Fest? No–but then again, this is why I’m single.

A couple years ago my OaHU’s ( my gay entourage from Honolulu) started a tradition by going to the Universal Show Queen Pageant.  Yes, it is a drag queen pageant that has been going on for over 20 years. I actually went to my first pageant in 1989 in support of a co-worker who ran. Anyway, when the tickets were available for sale in March, I reserved two.  My OaHU’s wanted me to bring one of the HU’s (gays from Maui) with me as well. Little did I know that the pageant would coincide with the Kapalua Wine and Food Festival.

I had never been to the Wine Fest before, and this year I wanted to go. But alas…so I posted on Facebook ” I chose the Universal Show Queen Pageant over the Kapalua Wine Fest, what does that say about me? This is what I figured out:

1. It says I’m so Mahu! (according to my friend Heli)

2. I’d rather be with my HU’s and OaHU’s

3. This is why I am single.

With that I leave you…

I like to bake.  It started when I was in elementary school. My dad used to make these killer cornflake cookies( I think I still have the recipe). I know, it’s usually mom–I never said my family was anything near conventional but that’s another story.   Anyway, over the years I discovered I have a knack for baking and the uncanny ability to pick recipes out of a cookbook. Come on, when you buy cookbooks not all of the recipes are winners. So I’ve decided that you all will be my “taste testers” so to speak.  Once a month I will be baking a cake, pie, cookie or pastry and giving it away . How do you become the recipient? Well, be nice to me , haha(I usually do it as a mahalo),  keep yourself visible on Facebook & Twitter, AND make sure I know how to get in touch with or find you… There won’t be a specific day of the month so be prepared to be surprised if you find me at your doorstep or find it in the mail.

Today I have delicious Walnut Cream Cheese Bars…MMMmmmmm. Who’s gonna get it?

(Note to readers…you are not drunk. you don’t have double vision. There really are two pics of lemon bars and Peanut Butter Cake.  I’m experiencing technical difficulties or should I say techy deficiency on my part…haha–please bear with me!)

My job is not unlike a Korean Bar Hostess..engage in conversation, entertain,  bring out food, cater to their needs–however they don’t have to “buy me drinkie!” In fact, you could say it’s almost in reverse since the first cocktail was on us. How’s that? It really does add a more personal touch in getting to know the restaurant–they have an actual person to associate with it and remember what a good time they had. And we have fun, mind you I do this without cocktails! I joke with the guys that if it were a real KB situation, they would go home broke, guaranteed! If they leave with their stomach’s full and a smile–I’ve done my job–Mission Accomplished.

That got me thinking, if I had done KB hostessing in college I would probably be living in Portlock (Oahu’s version of Kaanapali Hillside) and driving a Jaguar.  But then again if I had, I wouldn’t be writing this now, would I?