Happy Holidays all! Yes, its been quite awhile since I last posted so I thought I would revive my blog, with non other than a Holiday inspired tale. I actually wrote this on a plane going to Las Vegas on Christmas Eve in 2012. Enjoy!
Traveling Christmas Eve has its advantages because most people don’t travel that dayso the plane usually isn’t full and the airfare on that day is cheaper. However I dread any long plane rides for basically three reasons:
- Screaming Kids
- Pets that have owners that want me to talk to the pet
- Chatty Patty strangers
Now it’s not that I don’t like kids, pets or people, it’s just that I’m trapped for several hours with no escape. I always pray to the airplane gods but being as it was Christmas eve I decided to appeal to the seasonal wonder–Santa. On a side note I thought I would get my wish since I have never asked Santa for a damn thing in my life. My mother told me there was no such thing as Santa when I was in preschool, thanks Mom! Believe me, I have shattered many a classmate and I would like to make a formal apology right now. “Sorry for shattering your childhood.” Funny how my mother let me put my tooth under the pillow tho….hmmm better ask her the reasoning behind that one.
Anyway back on track to airplane rides. No pets or screaming kids and as an added bonus a muffy flight attendant because as you know, I am their queen. So my parents are in first class but alas by the time I make my reservation only coach is left and I find myself in 31C. By the grace of the Airplane gods or jolly ole Saint Nick, I do get to board early and my carry on did fit directly above me.
As I made my Christmas wish to Santa, not 5 min later the early boarders with kids arrive, to my dismay not one but two couples arrive in my vicinity. One in my row and the other two rows in front. 30 seconds later the boy two rows down starts screaming and I mean wailing, belting it out like a deranged opera singer. I’m lucky it didn’t set off a domino effect for the little girl in my row to start a two part harmony of crying frenzy.. Shit, I’m not in 1st class can’t girl get a cocktail? Uh no. So I look around and assess the situation, what could possibly make this flight tolerable ? The muffy flight attendant of course! As the attendants parade by I see– female, female, female, ooh a guy so I fake the moving of the carry on of course he comes to help me, damn he’s straight. all right, screaming kid, no muffies, so I tell myself “Coco, just take a seat and just maybe things will get better like maybe the screaming kids mom will give him a sedative and maybe Santa will put a muffy next to you.” As the passengers filed in and the kid kept screaming I tried filling myself with hope–after all, it was Christmas eve .
The seats were filling up and low and behold, no one sitting in 31D yet. Then wouldn’t you know, approaching 10 feet away Mr Macy’s cologne dept, I could smell him coming of course dear friends you know where this is going…yup right next to me. I wanted to pull the oxygen mask right then & there. Really? As he got himself situated I couldn’t help but think, Santa am I really on the naughty list? I stopped drinking for 3 months, dressed up as a man for my company Christmas party, got totally rid of the unboyfriend, am I gonna have to give a kidney away? And just as I was gagging on the smell of the guys’ cologne, he looked at his ticket and said is this row 32? Hallelujah the Angels sang! “No, I replied, “you are in the special upgraded seats behind this wall”–smile. Buh bye,ooh open seat next to me! Mahalo Santa, I guess I was a good girl after all.
An hour later as the screaming boy fell asleep and the little girl in my row started to wail, I thought, thank god it’s cocktail time, I’ll have another wine–make that two AND Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! Hiccup